my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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