even my farts smell like vagina
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
