you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
