I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
