Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
