I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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