Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
honey bunches of taint.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
