Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
