I just pynch a tree in the face
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
