haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
