K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
