she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
