Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
