a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
