WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
