the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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