he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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