fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
the liver wants what the liver wants
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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