is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
