I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
