allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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