4 words: hood of his car
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
