After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
