at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
