Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
