Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
