I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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