either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
