He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
