Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
