I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
