My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
