Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
