I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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