saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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