if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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