i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
