my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
