I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
