just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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