OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Never joke about your clitoris.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
