Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
