The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
