if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
