You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
