So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
