He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
