he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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