so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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