Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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